he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
