Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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