I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
