the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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