My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
