I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
not ubering you a puppy
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
