I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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