You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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