remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
how does that bad decision feel?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
