Apparently you make a good broom.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
