eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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