I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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