I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
