Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
