Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
