Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
