The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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