whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
