I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
