Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
