yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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