a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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