I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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