she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Vodka?
Forever.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
