If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
