he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
