The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
