this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
whose parrot is this?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
