Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
