I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We need to get me chipped asap
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
