Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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