sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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