P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
