The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
