You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
