She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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