yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
