Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We were destined to go to rehab together
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
