Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
