They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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