Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
