apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
