i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
