You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
