ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
