Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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