i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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