The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
