You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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