Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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