Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
