oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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